** OFFICIAL FINAL STATS
Thanks to all who participated and made this what I think is our best ever Best Looking Man Ever Of All-Time tournament.
Below please find the following:
* Field of 64
* Explanations and comments
* Game scoring and comments
(Official Sheet: If you see another sheet on the streets or in the highways and byways that says “Official Sheet” but it’s not this one, it’s not the Official Sheet. And that’s official.)
1. Sampson: Can all those statues be wrong? This is the Sampson that knocked down the walls, not the Sampson after the chains and the eyes gouged out an all of that.
2. Sir Lancelot: Snagged Guinevere from King Arthur.
3. Henry the 8th : He had to be a hottie because after a while the women knew what the were getting into and they STILL hung out with him.
4. Maximus Aurelius: Think “The Gladiator” movie. That’s who this guy is. If you don’t think he belongs on the list, you tell him.
5. King David: Hey, he’s King David. The guys seeded above him should thank their lucky stars they don’t get him in the first round.
6. JFK: I don’t really get him, but he married Jackie O. I ‘get’ Jackie O.
7. Alexander the Great: The called him “The Great,” and it wasn’t because he conquered the world.
8. Tonto: So good looking he didn’t NEED a mask.
9. Trigger: Better looking than Roy. Or, for that matter, Dale.
10. Moses: He’s on here because Charlton Heston didn’t make the Actors Regional and because he started out in a reed basket.
11. Einstein: Everything’s relative, even good looks.
12. George Washington Carver: The graying on the temples, classic. And don’t EVEN think he was JUST about peanuts. But, this is about looks, so I’ll drop it there.
13. Romeo: Where art thou, Romeo? “I’m right here! Right here at No. 13!”
14. Abraham: Fathered a nation. Ahem…
15. Jefferson (either Thomas or George): Together, and without the white wig, these two would have made one really good looking, really well-dry-cleaned man.
16. Adam: Once upon a time, the best looking man on the face of the Earth.
** All the top seeds win in the first round except those who face the vaunted Old Testament contingent: Moses gets past Alexander the Mediocre and Abraham lays the wood to Hank the 8th.
After a Sampson victory over Tonto, the second round is dominated by upsets. No. 5 David whips No. 4 Max: (“It’s good to be king…”); Abraham beats JFK and Moses beats Lancelot by a staff, settling up an Old Testament-flavored Regional.
With the lineage so thick you could cut it with a knife, Sampson beats David, Moses beats Abraham, then Moses – again, a No. 10 seed -- beats No. 1 Sampson in a scrap for the ages.
No. 10-seed Moses advances from the History Regional.
1. Paul Newman: I’m trying to get in good with Joanne Woodward.
2. Robert Redford: Even as a youngster, had ‘champion’ written all over him.
3. Matthew McConaughey: He doesn’t wear deodorant, but this isn’t scratch-and-sniff.
4. Sean Connery: “Connery. Sean Connery.”
5. Patrick Dempsey: Dr. McFive-Seed
6. George Clooney: In an episode of “Sex in the City,” the girls compared him to a Chanel Suit; he never goes out of style.
7. Sidney Portier: Clooneyish back in his day.
8. Cary Grant: See 8 seed.
9. Cary Grant: I wanted to make sure he won a game, so I made him an 8 and a 9 for a first-round matchup. He deserves it. Cool customer, sleek and smooth.
10. Tom Selleck: My mother did not miss “Magnum, P.I.” She did not miss it, I’m telling you.
11. Taye Diggs: Got game and the young ladies love him.
12. Steve McQueen: Little guy who played big.
13. Benjamin Bratt: Young Cary Grant in style.
14. Denzell Washington: Cary Grant without the polish.
15. Marlon Brando: He was a contender.
16. Robert Conrad: In the wild, wild West; so good he got his own battery commercial.
** The only first-round upset?: Bratt surprises Connery, Sean Connery, then rides the wave of momentum to an upset of Dr. McFive-Seed in the second round and – goodness – No. 1-seed Paul Newman in the Regional Semis. McConaughey beats Clooney but then loses to Redford in the Regional semis, if for no other reason than I’m tired of having to look to see how to spell his name.
Bratt’s impressive run ended against Redford in the Regional Finals; it’s a familiar feeling when you’re going up against The Sundance Kid.
No. 2-seed Robert Redford advances from the Actor’s Regional.
1. Frank Gifford: Made for New York and early TV.
2. Lance Alworth: Bambi. ’Nuff said.
3. Ken Norton: He’s a man. Holyfield was a threat for this spot, pre-bitten ear, but Ken in his prime is the better specimen, although if Holyfield reads this first and wants me to, I’ll be happy to change it.
4. Alex Rodriguez: An overwhelming favorite of the ladies, although I’ve discovered guys by and large are not fond of him. Jealousy?, or what? I’m not sure.
5. Bob Chandler: Passed away at age 45 but a stud receiver for the Oakland Raiders in the 70s.
6. Jim Palmer: Stud hurler for the Orioles in the 1960s and 70s. Did underwear commercials, but maybe he needed the money.
7. Beckham: Would have ranked higher but we couldn’t count his arms or hands as part of his body.
8. Joe Namath: Broadway Joe.
9. Tom Brady: Nice first-round matchup with Namath.
10. Tony Parker: The “Desperate Housewives” lady would have ranked Parker No. 1.
11. Jose Theodore: A hockey player I didn’t know but you see a picture of him and he’s got almond girl’s-eyes and you’ve got to get him on the list. I think he has his own teeth, too.
12. Mark Grace: Before he got pudgy and if he doesn’t have tobacco juice dripping down his chin.
13. Apolo Ohno: Young speed skating champ and dancer.
14. Mickey Mantle: Check him out back in the day. He was a man, blonde, running in center field, in Yankee Stadium. Shoot…
15. Arnold Palmer: See Mantle. Tanned, emotions on his sleeve, steely eyed…
16. Emmitt Smith: Ladies love their smiling Cowboy.
** Favorites advance in Round 1 except Theodore beats Palmer and Parker, using his hands, beats Beckham, giving soccer purists yet another challenge to overcome in defending their sport.
Chandler bumps A-Rod, then loses to Gifford, who still has some game, in the Regional Semis.
Theodore puts the biscuit in the basket yet again, handing Norton his hat, but Alworth, the Arkansas-bred San Diego Charger Hall-of-Famer, turns on the jets past the hockey guy and the ol’ Giffer.
No.2-seed Lance Alworth advances from the Athletes Regional
1. Elvis Presley: Please, no explanation necessary.
2. Sting: Women think that every little thing he does is magic.
3. Frank Sinatra: Speaking of magic, that ol’ black magic…
4. Lord Byron: Made the ladies swoon, always partying like it was 1799.
5. Mario Lopez: Was a sitcom TV-kid guy and then hosted one of the dancing shows, I think? I know girls thank he’s purty!
6. LL Cool J: Hip Hop Handsome.
7. Usher: Even better looking than the guy who took up the offering!
8. Bugs Bunny: It’s all about attitude.
9. Bonanza’s Little Joe: Cute. Looked like something you’d hang from a rearview mirror, especially when he stood by Hoss.
10. John Edwards: My homeboy who won’t be president and might be just a little nutty.
11. The Temptations: Don’t argue with this selection. Instead, get on board. Start a Love Train, Love Train.
12. Johnny Carson: Smiles make you look better.
13. John Grisham: Literarily handsome.
14. Gavin Rossdale: So the young gals say…
15. Lenny Kravitz: Winner if we had an ‘exotic’ category.
16. Merle Haggard: The country gals were all over my man Haggard back in the ’60s, when he was hot as a stolen Grand Torino and had his hair all folded back like Conway Twitty and everything.
Elvis sleepwalks into the Final Four, beating The Hag, then Little Joe, then Lopez, who knocked off Carson (“There gooooooooooes Johnny!”) and Lord B before disposing of No. 2-seed Sting in the 1 vs. 2 Regional Finals. Sting had stung Kravitz, Usher and the Temptations, who struggled to get past Sinatra, despite having him 5-on-1 most of the contest.
No. 1-seed Elvis advances from the Potpourri Regional.
In a matchup of No. 2s, Redford ousts Alworth in one tournament semi and in the other, Elvis, as expected, waxes No. 10 Moses, who sort of figured he was never going to see the promised land, and didn’t.
Here’s why Redford beats Elvis in the finals, by only a smidge. Elvis is probably unbeatable in the 1968 Vegas Comeback Special. But Elvis always wore Elvis-type stuff, and if he was in the room you’d know it, and he’d wear stuff not a lot of guys can wear.
Entirely “gimmick”-free, Redford would be your more timeless handsome man. Can wear anything, can blend in, has the hair thing going, and was beautiful as a young man whereas Elvis was sort of goofy-rocker cute in the movies with the hair curl and the lip thing. Anyway, it took a buzzer beater, but Redford raises the trophy.
(Cue “One Shining Moment”…play to fade…)