Thursday, October 4, 2007

Red River Rivalry: An Austin Perspective

TEDDY NOTE: Following is an effort from John Kelso, columnist with the Austin American Statesman and a Texas Longhorns fan. Oklahoma plays Texas Saturday; the Okies are 11-and-a-half point favorites. Kelson doesn't care.


It's time for my annual insult of Oklahoma, which is something I do every year.
Why do I risk sounding redundant by saying this is something I do every year, after using the word "annual?" It's a public service to help out you Okies who may not know what the big grownup word "annual" means.
Now, there's been a lot of talk lately that it might be tough Saturday at the big Texas-OU game up in Dallas for Okies to buy beer at the State Fair of Texas. This news story has been greatly exaggerated. And no, they didn't put in a new no-beer rule for Okies this year because of that Sooner fan/church deacon in Oklahoma City who tried to rip off the guy's testicles for wearing a Texas shirt into a bar.
The reason it may be a slight hassle for Okies to buy beer at the state fair is an obscure Texas law on alcohol sales. If a Texas vendor sells a beer to someone under 21, he's protected from being busted if the buyer of the beer displayed what appeared to be a piece of valid Texas identification.
On the other hand, if the person shows an I.D. from another state, such as Mobilehoma, and it turns out the person is, say, 9, the vendor is NOT protected from being busted.
So, according to Ron Black, the vice president of food service at the state fair, vendors at the fair can choose not to sell beer to people who appear younger than 30 and present an out-of-state ID. He adds this is not a new policy — it's been going on for years — and there are so many booths to buy beer at the state fair that if you're of age and one booth turns you down, you can just go to the next one.
Even if you're an Okie.
I used the age 9 here because up in Oklahoma it's common for 28-year-olds to still be in elementary school. So sometimes at the keg party out at the trailer park up in Yokelhoma the children get mixed up in there with the adults. This is why at Thanksgiving dinner in Oklahoma some of the folks sitting at the little table could use a shave.
Now, you Okies who want to drink before the game may be wondering if you can still use your jailhouse number tattoo as an I.D. to purchase beer at the state fair. Sure, but only if the number on the tattoo matches the number on your ankle restraints.
Also, you Mobilehomans can use your dental records, if you have any teeth left. And remember the rule: only one beer per tooth. Also, the new sobriety test this year for Jokelahomans is answering the question, "Who's your daddy?" I know. That's a tough one. What can I tell you?
In fairness, I'll admit that in all the years I've been to the OU-Texas game, I don't recall ever seeing a Sooner fan drunk. On the other hand, how can you tell if someone is loaded if they're already drooling on their flip-flops and speaking monosyllabically? Hook 'em.

John Kelso's column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Contact him at 445-3606 or