(From today's Times and News-Star)
Although
picture show management frowns on people carrying concessions into the theatre,
this does not stop us from doing it. Most people get away with it.
But
not everybody. Not all the time.
A
grandmother I know – we’ll call her The Matinee Momma, alias Cinematic Sally,
alias Showtime Susie – has long prided herself on hauling edible loot and
grandchildren to summertime movies. Often they see Disney pictures promoting
the high moral roads of loyalty, goodness, justice and brotherly love. Nothing
says justice quite like low overhead/high profit. (I’m thinking here of an $8
tub of 75-cent popcorn and a $25 Nestle Crunch.)
In
a valiant attempt to beat The Man, The Matinee Momma – alias Reel Rebel Rhonda,
alias Picture Show Paula, alias Movietime MawMaw – for years upon years has
sneaked eats and drinks into cinemas all over north Louisiana. Literally, she
was packing.
But
not heat. Just eats. In a purse the size of Mickey Rooney.
One
this particular mid-week afternoon, she paid for five tickets for an animated
afternoon matinee. A grandmother and four of her grandchildren. Nothing to see
here, right?
(Side
note: One of her older grandchildren has for years refused to go on these
outings, or “sprees,” as I like to call them, because she “knew grandmomma was
gonna get caught someday.” Sure enough, “someday” was this day a couple of
weeks ago. This particular grandchild, “The One With No Record,” as she is now
referred to in the family, is still grateful for her foresight. And for
Netflix.)
The
group handed over their tickets and quick-stepped toward the theatre. It was at
this point that an overeager teenaged summer hire asked The Matinee Momma if
she maybe, you know, had anything in her purse, like possibly concessions, or
the offensive line of the Green Bay Packers.
If
looks could kill.
“Taking
food into the show’s illegal, you know,” the usher said.
It
was here that my criminally minded friend stole a line from the original “Bad
News Bears” movie and said, “So is murder. Shut up before you get me in REAL
trouble.”
They
continued with purpose into the door, down the aisle and to their seats, this
grandmother and her impressionable grandchildren, (a.k.a, The Dalton Gang).
When a reasonable amount of time had passed, she opened her purse and passed
out four bags of popcorn and four drinks.
Should
have gotten twist tops. The tab-top “Pzzzzzz POP!” is what gave the crew away,
but only because the simultaneous openings sounded like mortars going off, or a
fireworks show.
The
young manager showed up, in the dark, during the movie. He was nice and
reasonable but still the grandkids cowered a bit, having never seen their
grandmother asked to assume the position. Ever been frisked for Milk Duds? It
makes the airport security check seem like child’s play.
In
classic Matinee Momma fashion, she turned things around and asked the dutiful
manager, “So, what do you want me to do? Throw it all out? Send it to starving
kids in China? Give you $157 dollars for five popcorns and five drinks? What
will it BE?”
“Shhhhhhhhh!”
“Be
QUITE!”
“I
missed what Lord Macintosh just said,” some kid whined. “Please, please make it
stop! Oh, the humanity!!!”
It’s
over now. The food’s been dumped, along with any grandchild’s hopes of a really
big score, like maybe someday sneaking in a No. 6 from Wendy’s. It’s not that
crime doesn’t always pay. It’s just that, hey, that’s showbiz.
-30-
