Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Not All Men In Cyperspace Are Really Stars

From Sunday's Times and News-Star

Guitar picker Brad Paisley warned us in song that guys can be “so much cooler online.” Just because I’m slow as a caterpillar carrying a tiny caterpillar piano on his back doesn’t mean I can’t run a 4.3 40-yard dash on the Internet.

It’s always foggy in cyberspace. 

So let’s be careful with that initial date when we meet someone for drinks and dinner that we’ve “seen” before only on a computer. To illustrate, I have a date tale from one of my Second Moms.
“OK,” she began, “I have a story for you…”

Few of hers have been as good – as bad – as this one. 

Since her husband passed away most unexpectedly only a few years after she’d retired, she decided to explore online dating. “It was more about being lonely than anything else,” she said. 

How about a dog? Great idea! Most shed less than a man.

But she wasn’t really home much so she had to give up the dog and try another route. We both hated that: dogs rock it.

“During my self-pity I decided to look at one of the online dating services,” she said. “Wasn't looking for a boyfriend. Just someone to talk to, maybe go to dinner. Never had a desire to but got curious. The range of guys was from 60-70 years old. Here is what I’ve learned from reading their profiles.”
Here’s where it starts getting good…

“Many are very Godly men,” she said. “I don’t doubt that but it’s almost too religious if there is such a thing.

“And they all have motorcycles or horses.

“And they lie.”


“Some are just downright scary,” she said. “One in particular gave me the heebie jeebies. He’s riding a mule and looks like he lives in a swamp.”
He’ll probably have a reality show soon, but there’s more to love than money. So my Second Mom passed and settled on trading texts with a guy who looked “OK.” They decided to meet in a Shreveport/Bossier casino. Safety first: my girl knew there would be people around.

“How can I describe him?” she said. “Let’s see: his profile picture is probably 10- to 12-years old. His description was 6-3 and 245. My description of him is he had neck problems, was kind of stooped, and the lies kept coming for five minutes until he stood up to go to the boat. I said I thought we were going to talk a while first. He sat back down.”

Eventually they piddled around on the boat a bit, then he followed her to a local diner. 

“He apologized for his appearance,” she said. “Huh? The reason he had trouble talking was that he only had four or five teeth. It didn’t matter because by this time I knew we were not a match. In parting he added, ‘You’re a cute little thing.’ OMG.”

She actually wrote that to me. “OMG.” At which point I was ROFL.
(OMG means “Oh my god” or “As if” and ROFL means “rolling on the floor laughing” or “HA! I just spit up chocolate milk through my nose!”)

No matter your age, some things – some reactions – in the dating game never change. “OMG,” she wrote in summary of Dr. Debonair’s closing line. So beautiful.

“He later sent a note that he was interested, was I?,” she said. “I still haven’t answered that.

“I want to emphasize this. I was extremely cautious. I was never alone with him and considered my safety first and foremost. Been there. Done that. Case closed.”

Turns out both my Second Mom and my science teacher were right: there are vacuums in space.