From today's TIMES and NEWS-STAR
Dear Ask the
Paperboy,
Is
it true that one of your ingenious friends wants to manufacture a harmonica
bone for dogs?
Approvingly,
“Spot,”
Vienna
Dear Spot,
I
can understand your interest. Because of your pet’s paw/thumb/index finger situation,
piano’s out. You can thank my friend Donnie Golfgame down in Brevard County for
this idea. I enjoy the way his razor-sharp mind works. Or doesn’t work. He’s
the same guy who once told me how much he hates TV news reports where “there’s
a man barricaded inside his home,” which is surrounded by police; it seems to
Donnie that if the police would just go away, it would just be a man inside his
house.
*
Dear Ask the
Paperboy:
Did
you read “50 Shades of Grey”?
Reservedly,
Off-Color
in Baton Rouge
Dear Off,
Read
it? I LIVED it!
*
Dear Ask the
Paperboy:
Are
you joking about the “50 Shades”? Also mine was actually a multi-part question
so I’ll continue on if you please.
Dear Off,
Yes,
Paperboy was just funning around. He has not read even one shade. Paperboy
joins a group of about 18 other people in the whole world who have not read
this book. Even people who can’t read have read this book.
Paperboy
has read enough reviews and seen enough commercials to know that if he did read
it, he’d have to do it with all the shades, no matter what color they were,
pulled down. Paperboy blushes easily.
So,
had Paperboy read the book, he might be more dominating or controlling, but he
didn’t and he no longer is so fire away. Let’s keep it clean though. Shoot…
*
The movie lists
someone in the credits as “BDSM Technical Consultant.” Is this rare?
Rare
as a dodo bird. We’ve come a long way from the “key grip” and “best boy” in the
movie biz.
It
a picture needs someone on site to advise on bondage and masochism and to and
fro and whatnot, then unless it features the freewheeling Three Stooges, you
can likely forget any “romantic comedy” storyline. Seems an expensive way to
date, with all that machinery. But … maybe the joke’s on us. All that gear is
probably cheaper than popcorn and a movie. I’d bet my last pair of handcuffs
that whips costs less than Milk Duds these days.
One
more note, since it’s baseball’s Spring Training time: doesn’t BDSM sound like
it should be one of those new Sabermetric baseball stats? “For the second
consecutive season, Grey’s BDSM of .310 with runners on first led the league.” Bunts
Down, Sacrifices Made, something like that.
Take
another swing …
LINE
OF WHITE SPACE
Any plans to see
the movie?
Neg.
If I’m in that sort of mood, I’ll just pull out an old Clint Eastwood or
Charles Bronson DVD and watch them beat up a bad guy. I feel better about my
decision after reading a review by Anthony Lane – I like Anthony Lane -- in “The
New Yorker,” which read: ‘Think of it as the ‘Downton Abbey’ of bondage,
designed neither to menace nor to offend but purely to cosset the fatigued
imagination.” Not sure what a cosset is but I think you can buy one online and
they’ll ship it to you in brown paper with no return address. (You’re welcome.)
Continue, please …
*
If you insist: Where
are you on bondage?
If
it’s anything like being forced to stay in at recess after getting whipped with
a wooden paddle by Mrs. Irene Rogers in the third grade, I’ll passadena.
*
What about blindfolds?
If
Mrs. Irene is anywhere in the equation then yes, please.
-30-
