Monday, April 23, 2007

The time when Tim Greening intercepted that secret Saddam tape...

July 19, 2003

By Tim Greening
The Times

The Times has obtained a copy of the latest audiotaped message to the Arab world that has been attributed to ousted Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. Times columnist Tim Greening, who speaks fluent Iraqanese, translated the tape.

(Tape opens with a dance club beat, with saxophone. A deep voice begins rapping in Arabic:)

Guess who's back? Back again

Saddam's back, tell a friend

Saddam's back, Saddam's back, Saddam's back, Saddam's back ...

(Music ends).

What up, dawgs? Sorry I ain't been rappin' at ya regular, but Sdawg here's been playin' it on a serious down-low, what with all these mad Yankee fools up in here lookin' to mess a brutha's (bleep) up.

First up, a shout out to my homeez in the Baath Party. B-dawgs! Always representin'!

Peep this: You realize this is the 35th anniversary since we been rulin' this joint, when we crushed our opposition in the Bedd and Beeyond parties?

And don't doubt a brutha: we will be back, livin' large and back in charge after we defeat the forces of George W. Bush, that dictata hata.

Which reminds me, better get this out da way ... now, for all you wack critics who be sayin', "That ain't no Saddam on that tape! That's an imposta!"

Well, peep this:

(Music begins again.)

I'm Slim Saddy, yes, I'm the real Saddy

All you other Slim Saddies are just imitatin'

So won't the real Slim Saddy please stand up, please stand up

(Music ends.)

Got dat? The real Slim Saddy is standin'. Let's move on.

I'm sure you all heard on the al-Jazeera televizzle that the infidel Bush really was lyin' about me tryin' to start a nuclear program up in here. Only he can't say it right, he says "nuke-ular." Damn shame, runnin' the biggest country in the world and he can't talk right. Who taught a brutha to talk? Jethro?

Anyway, yeah, damn CIA be makin' stuff up about me, sayin' I got all these weapons of mass destruction. But we all know the only weapon of mass destruction in this hizz-ouse is when I step to the turntable, ya know what I'm sayin'? Drop the needle on some phat beats, clear the mic and I'm a one-man wreckin' crew, (bleepin') (bleep) up old-school.

So they make up lies. Why's the Great Satan always gotta be hatin'?

It's always, "Oooh, Saddam's got chemical weapons!" and "Awww, Saddam's killed millions of his own people." Mass murder was the case that they gave me.

So they come in with their gats blastin', droppin' bombs and takin' over our hood. They even tried to drop a bomb on a brutha in his crib.

But they missed, and now I'm all about hidin' in da undaground. But mark a brutha's words, I will be back. I mo' be prezz-o-dent of the Iraqi people. And them other hatin' fools at the United Nations ain't gonna have (bleep) to say about it.

Know why? The world needs me.

You heard me right. Really, the world's just one big rap feud and every rap feud needs a villain.

For real, who's gonna take a brutha's place as the most wanted dictata on the planet? That Kim Jong-Il from around North Korea way? That nappy-head fool's about as wack as a Big Mac attack.

Well, time for me to bail. Keep the faith, you'll be hearin' again from me soon. Until then, remember:

(Music begins again.)

This looks like a job for me,

So everybody just follow me,

Coz we all need a little tyranny

And it feels so empty without me!

War. Out.

* Tim Greening's shizzle columnizzle runs Saturdays.