Sunday, October 6, 2013

Strangers In The Night, Exchanging Email -- (And Bank Account Info)

From today's TIMES and NEWS-STAR

Life had come to this: I could put my hand in a barrel of smiles and pull out a frown.

Ever had those days? Weeks? Nothing goes right. Car won’t start. Rain won’t stop. You call your doctor with a case of diarrhea – and he puts you on hold.

Everything’s a busted radiator.

But it can change on a dime, and boy did it ever. All it took was opening the email…

So many people want to give me stuff, I am in constant Head Spinning Mode.

A guy named “Jack Kofi, esq,” has a “proposition involving the sum of US$9.5 Million” to discuss with me. All I have to do it “revert back” to him, he’ll give me “more details,” and I’ll get “50%” as my “share.”

And I don’t even know Jack! That’s what makes this all the more beautiful. These strangers trust ME to help THEM make BOTH of us MONEY.

I’m just a nice person, I guess. And radiate goodness. Even into other hemispheres.

I am looking right now at a dozen emails, all received within the past month, from spots like Ghana, China, Mizuho (which is possibly in Japan), the UK, Syria, Dubai, the Republic of Sierra-Leone, more Ghana, more Syria, and Venezuela. This tells me the really BIG money is overseas. But it will soon be in my bank account – and not a minute too soon! And here is why:

I am “in a position” to help people. I can help invest (and can “personally draft” the proposals), I can pick up a “dormant consignment box” (not dormant for long!) with “$5.5 Million U.S. dollars including 500kg of gold dust and 450kg of diamond,” I can “recommend someone who suits our proposed business relationship” in a random Chamber of Commerce in my country, and – this is child’s play, this one – help in the “simple transferring of funds.”

I will receive anything from cash on the barrelhead to an ATM credit card for my trouble. But is it really any trouble, when I’m helping people in need? And making a mint? I think not!

True, some of the proposals are a bit shady. Sister Stephanie and Sister Felicia are ill and want to pass along a “heritage amount for charity work.” I’m not going to get involved, because I know me: I’d give two percent to charity and blow the rest on popcorn at basketball games and feel guilty for the rest of my life.

I can get $8 million five from Miss Yama, currently over in your Ivory Coast, but basically I have to cover for her for “security and political reasons,” and what that means is that the IRS will find out and be all over me, like June bugs on a porch light. No thanks mister ma’am!

Miss Gramera says I will “never regret” stashing some dough while her “illiterate mother” mourns the death of her husband, but once you get involved in somebody’s family problems, $6 million, $400,000 goes fast. You’ll spend a quarter mil on Advil alone. I’ll passadena, but thanks anyway.

This is not to say that my inbox is “junk mail free.” Rosemary, who is “romantic, funny and fun to be with,” wants to send me pictures. Lvlaila saw my profile (I don’t have one!, gotcha!) and says I’m the bomb. Lina thinks I’m a man who can “appreciate the value of friendship.”
And I can. And I know what kind of value she’s talking about. She just wants me for my money.

Somebody’s been reading my mail.